Fridge of the Damned!

My contribution to Michael A. Arnzen's FRIDGE OF THE DAMNED! See more at gorelets.com.

Excerpt from ZEN AND THE ART OF ARNZEN, a.k.a What is the sound of one dog dying?

I probably shouldn't be sharing these 'rules,' which were only revealed to us after years of patient study at the master's feet. Like, waaay longer than it took Daniel-son to learn that crane kick from 宮城成義 even. (Mr. Miyagi to those of you who don't read kanji.) (If it upsets you to learn that 'sweep the leg' isn't one of the rules you should stop reading now.)

And maybe these aren't really 'writing' rules as much as they are 'writer' rules. Like I'm not sure a single one of them made me a better writer, but a few of them have gotten me through some tough times as a writer. When you look at the rules in that context they make more sense.

And here's the rub--you can look at these five rules and believe that simply observing them will endow you with the power to overcome whatever obstacle beseeches you, whether it be writing really, REALLY short fiction, or swearing off beef for the rest of your life. But you'd be wrong. Like when Daniel-son thought he could hook up with Elizabeth Shue without pissing off Johnny (in that awesome skeleton costume, nonetheless!) Wronger than that.

You have to practice! You have to learn to always be in the 'writer' frame of mind, not just when you crack open your story to bang out another thousand words. Because writing is a lifestyle. It doesn't take a vacation.  

I can't remember exactly when the lessons started (that's what's Zen's all about, yo,) but Heidi says it went something like this: 

Arnzen: Fear does not exist in this Primanti's, does it?
Heidi and Jason: NO, SENSEI!
Arnzen: Pain does not exist in this Primanti's, does it?
Heidi and Jason: NO, SENSEI!
Arnzen: Defeat does not exist in this Primanti's, does it?
Heidi and Jason: NO, SENSEI!    

So after that we both kind of gave up, and then he hit us with them:

Rule #1 PERSIST!

Nobody wins a thousand bucks a week for life on their first scratch-off, so you should know better than to expect your first novel to be a smash runaway success. There are millions of people out there who have written one novel. And this is an entirely un-scientific guesstimate, but I'd say that there are far less out there who have written two.  So see what I just did there? You increased your odds a bunch.

Besides, if you want to write, you're going to do it because you love it first and foremost.

(Inner voice: For real? That's what you're going with?)

Yep.

Rule #2 OUTSIDERS RULE. 

"Who the hell's J.K. Rowling? She's never been to BlankCon."

Yeah, and she didn't listen to genre 'rules' or get bogged down in the minutiae of Wormhole vs. FTL debates.

Here's a little story about being an 'insider'--back in the summer of 2005 I heard an agent at a writing conference proudly declare that '...the vampire novel is dead.' Now, I never really had an interest in vampires after BUFFY, but there may have been a hundred writers there who did. A hundred writers who took that 'insider' information to heart, went home and scrapped their manuscripts.

But you know who wasn't at that conference (probably?) Stephenie Meyer, that's who. She was too pumped up about her impending vampire novel's October 5, 2005 release. (Yeah, I invoked SM, so what? Do I wish I would've written Twilight? No. Is she an example of an outsider who bypassed all of the little 'rules' and genre mores? Duh.)

Is anybody saying to stay away from conferences, conventions, writing programs? Not at all. Just think like an outsider. Be wary of the traps.

Rule #3 FOCUS WORDS.

Because a year's too long for a resolution. I mean, the rule has the word 'focus' built right into it. Pick two or three words and recite them habitually (and silently.) It's about positive thinking, like THE SECRET but free. Then when the world gets you down, and your brain is telling you that you'll never finish a novel or make it as a writer, you fall back on your focus words and you're all set.

Unless you choose 'despair' or 'suffocating' as focus words. Because then you're just 'screwed.' 

Rule #4 MAKE 'EM CRY. 

Kreese from THE KARATE KID said, "We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. Here, in the streets, in competition: A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy." 

Dr. Arnzen probably didn't mean it this way, but that's the Zen of it all. "Make who cry? Readers? The Competition? My mom?" (True story, my mom doesn't understand my book because she missed all of the subtle plot points I buried carefully within my well-crafted sex scenes.) 

Maybe you, as the writer, are meant to cry a little every now and then. I know I do. Like right now, in fact.

Rule #5 BE A CONTRARIAN. 

Or don't. Whatever.

(Inner voice: "He said, 'Be a contrarian, not apathetic.'")

But in the context of the rule, my reply was as contrarian as it was apathetic, right?

(Inner voice: "But it doesn't come off like that.")

Okay, I see what you're doing there.

(Inner voice: "I'm not doing anything. Unless using directed questions to get you to reconsider your responses counts?")

Yeah, okay. Neither the flag nor the wind moves, right? Only the mind moves.

(Inner voice: "Um...")

See? Zen.

I'm not sure what #5 is about, but we were stuck at four for the longest time. So omit it, if you want.

THE CRANE KICK.

There are more rules, but you have to earn them like we did. You have to go down to the beach day after day and wash Arnzen's cars. Than, and only then, will you be able to catch flies with chopsticks.

 

 More of Mike Arnzen's wisdom at Gorelets.com.

Supports this Michael A. Arnzen's Fridge of the Damned!

And check out the always awesome Raw Dog Screaming Press while you're at it.

AU REVOIR, 2012.

So, twelve months ago I did a 'year in review' post that generated thousands of hits for me because I included an image of Justine Bateman (removed for copyright purposes) that somebody on an IMDB GAME OF THRONES message board linked to. Thought she looked like Arya.

But I won't resort to such cheap tactics this time around.

Why?

Despite the loss of a gallbladder and having our car forced over a guardrail and smashed by a former student, things worked out pretty damn good for me this year. You can say what you want about The Second Law of Thermodynamics, but I think there's something to it (if John Edward Lawson is to be believed.)

For me, the last twelve months were about friendship, and being part of a team. Working with Jennifer and John from Raw Dog Screaming Press has been a damn-near perfect creative experience. Talking with them never fails to widen my field of view in new and exciting ways. Mike Arnzen always motivates and inspires me, even when he doesn't realize that's what he's doing. Maybe it's just his subversive nature, but Arnzen's Five Rules of Writing (or three, until we remember the last two) didn't write themselves. As for the remainder of the creative types--Tricky, Deanna, Stephanie, D. Harlan, Dustin, Lee... I consider myself lucky to be able to siphon off so much energy from you all. 

And Heidi, I can't imagine a life without a creative partner like you. Do I know how lucky I am to see you whenever I look up from my laptop with a question? You know it. Thank you for helping to make this such a wonderful year. And thank you for inspiring me. Big things ahead. 

Yeah, 2012 was a pretty amazing year. I think we can do better in 2013.

(And Katy, Preston, Pauly and Ben--see you in 2013. Going to be a hell of a year.) 

Raw Dog Screaming Press Book Release Party May 25 at MAC

 

Many, many thanks to Scott Emerson for making this happen!

 

Raw Dog Screaming Press Book Release Party May 25 at MAC

 

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. – Raw Dog Screaming Press, in association with Morgantown Poets, will be hosting a book release party Friday May 25 from 7-9pm at Monongalia Arts Center (MAC). The event is free and open to the public.

 

Based in Bowie, Maryland, Raw Dog Screaming Press is dedicated to putting into print the highest quality literature from the fringe, featuring the best in bizarre, surreal, and experimental writing. USA Today.com listed them among the Top 10 indie releases of 2011.  

 

Michael A. Arnzen (author of the offbeat poetry collection The Gorelets Omnibus) and Jason Jack Miller (author of the West Virginia-based novel Hellbender) will be joining the publisher to read their work. A limited number of Raw Dog Screaming Press books will be available for purchase. 

 

Public parking is available near the MAC in the parking garage at the corner of Pleasant and Chestnut Streets and at the city lot behind 142 High Street (enter off Spruce). The MAC is accessible to individuals with special mobility requirements; schedule ahead at least two days prior to the event by calling 304-292-3325, or write to info@monartscenter.com.

 

Morgantown Poets is an informal not-for-profit, all-volunteer community group that meets 7-9 p.m. the third Thursday each month at the MAC, providing literary enthusiasts in north-central West Virginia the opportunity to express themselves, share their work, network and to connect up-and-coming writers with more established authors. New writers are welcome. Join on Facebook by entering “Morgantown Poets” in the search or join the mailing list at morgantownpoets@gmail.com. Follow us on Twitter (@MorgantownPoets) or watch videos of past events on our YouTube channel (www.youtube.com/user/MorgantownPoets).

PENNWRITERS ONE DAY INTENSIVE WORKSHOP

Who: Writers at any level interested in furthering their writing skills and business prowess

What: Contributors to the new, comprehensive writing guide MANY GENRES, ONE CRAFT, based on the Seton Hill University Writing Popular Fiction Graduate Program, will offer six workshops for craft and career. The three morning sessions focus on plotting with Victoria Thompson, character with Timons Esaias, and setting with Heidi Ruby Miller and Jason Jack Miller. In the afternoon, sessions focus on pursuing publication with Natalie and Matt Duvall, building a brand with Mary SanGiovanni, and investing in your writing with Michael A. Arnzen.

When: Thursday, May 12, 2011 – 9 AM to 4 PM

Instructors: Michael A. Arnzen is Chair of the Humanities Department at Seton Hill University, as well as a Bram Stoker Award winning author. His first novel Grave Markings also won the International Horror Critics Guild Award for Best First Novel. Other projects include a spoken word CD called Audiovile and the novel Play Dead. Selections from his 100 Jolts: Shockingly Short Stories have been made into the film Exquisite Corpse, produced by Jim Minton. Mike’s latest release is the collection Proverbs for Monsters. He haunts the Internet at http://www.gorelets.com.

Matt Duvall was a professional wrestler who appeared on national TV shows and was included in Pro Wrestling Illustrated magazine’s Top 500 wrestlers for 1996. He completed his MFA at Seton Hill University, which is also where he met his wife, Natalie. His short fiction has been published in a number of venues, including Chizine, The Ultimate Unknown, and Eye Contact. When he’s not teaching high school students, Matt practices Krav Maga, runs half marathons, and tries to avoid mowing the yard.
Natalie Duvall lives in a big old house in a little town in Central Pennsylvania. She enjoys walking as much as possible. Unless it's cold out. She is married to Matt Duvall and has cats (three of them -- Albert, Chun Lee and Eliot). During the day she's an 11th grade English teacher. At night, she writes Regency-set historical romances. In what free time is left, she trains in Krav Maga and is a lackadaisical triathlete. She blogs at http://dirtythirtytridea.blogspot.com.
Timons Esaias is a satirist, poet and short fiction writer, living in Pittsburgh. His fiction has appeared in fourteen languages, and his poetry has been translated into Spanish, Swedish and Chinese. His poetry chapbook The Influence of Pigeons on Architecture is in its second edition. He has also been a finalist for the British Science Fiction Award, and won the Asimov's Readers Award. He is Adjunct Faculty at Seton Hill University. His website is www.timonsesaias.com.
Heidi Ruby Miller is adjunct faculty at Seton Hill University, where she graduated from their Writing Popular Fiction graduate program the same month she appeared on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Her novels include Atomic Zion and Ambasadora. She is a member of The Authors Guild, Pennwriters, Science Fiction Poetry Association, and Broad Universe. Visit her at http://heidirubymiller.blogspot.com.

Jason Jack Miller is a writer, photographer and musician. An outdoor travel guide he co-authored with his wife in 2006 jumpstarted his freelancing career; his work has since appeared in newspapers, magazines, literary journals, online, and as part of a travel guide app for mobile phones. He received a Master’s in Writing Popular Fiction from Seton Hill where he is adjunct creative writing faculty and he is an Authors Guild member. When he isn't writing, he's on his mountain bike or looking for his next favorite guitar. He is currently writing and recording the soundtrack to his novel, The Devil and Preston Black. Find him at http://jasonjackmiller.blogspot.

Mary SanGiovanni is the author of the Bram Stoker nominated novel The Hollower and its sequel Found You, both from Leisure Books, and Thrall from Thunderstorm Books. Over the last decade, various periodicals and anthologies have published her short fiction, some of which was collected in Under Cover of Night. She co-edited the GSHW anthology Dark Territories. Mary received a Master’s in Writing Popular Fiction from Seton Hill University. Find Mary at http://marysangi.wordpress.com.

Victoria Thompson writes the Edgar-nominated Gaslight Mystery Series, set in turn-of-the-century New York City and featuring midwife Sarah Brandt and detective Frank Malloy. Her latest book in the series is Murder on Lexington Avenue. She is also the author of 20 historical romances. A popular speaker, Victoria has taught at Penn State University and currently teaches in the Seton Hill University master’s program in Writing Popular Fiction. She is online at http://victoriathompson.com.
Tuition: $125 PW members (includes a copy of the writing guide Many Genres, One Craft)
$165 non-members (includes a copy of the writing guide Many Genres, One Craft)

Endorsements: (for the writing guide)
“Finally! A book on writing category fiction, presented by those who do it every day. Choose a genre and jump right in.”
--Mike Resnick, Nebula and Hugo Award-winning author

Many Genres, One Craft: Lessons in Writing Popular Fiction is available for pre-order

Many Genres, One Craft: Lessons in Writing Popular Fiction by Michael A Arnzen and Heidi Ruby Miller is now available for pre-order.

My articles "Painting Your Settings With Concrete Nouns" and "Magical Realism as Genre: Or Waiter, There's an Angel in my Soup" appear in the book along with a pair of sidebars I wrote. I was lucky enough to see an advanced copy and it's one of those books where you can flip to a random article and learn something.

It's an honor to have my work appear alongside that of some of the industry's finest genre writers--David Morrell, Gary Braunbeck, Tim Waggoner, Thomas F. Monteleone, Nancy Kress, Victoria Thompson, Mary SanGiovanni and Tess Gerritsen.

Find it at: http://www.amazon.com/Many-Genres-One-Craft-Lessons/dp/0938467085/

Finally! A book on writing category fiction, presented by those who do it every day. Choose a genre and jump right in. --Mike Resnick, Nebula and Hugo Award-winning author

Many Genres has everything you need to write and sell the book of your dreams. It is jam-packed with practical information, clear examples and brilliant insights, all delivered with clarity and wit. Skip the writers' conference and read this gem from the masters of genre fiction! --Suzanne Forster, New York Times bestselling author

'Speaking from experience, I can tell you there isn't a muse and if there is, she's already dating someone else.' If there isn't a muse, as you'll read in this invaluable book for writers, MANY GENRES ONE CRAFT is surely the next best thing. No matter what you want to learn--from choosing the point of view for a scene, from getting the most out of a critique group to fine-tuning your final draft, from approaching a literary agent to promoting your published book in print or electronically or both--it's all there. The contributors know their stuff, and what they're teaching applies to writing at any age. MANY GENRES ONE CRAFT covers all the bases superbly, including issues I haven't seen addressed anywhere else in today's rapidly shifting publishing landscape. --Renni Browne, co-author of SELF-EDITING FOR FICTION WRITERS

MANY GENRES, ONE CRAFT BLOG IS LIVE.

Check it out at http://manygenres.blogspot.com/

The book, co-edited by Heidi Ruby Miller and Michael A. Arnzen, is an instructional guide for writers with lessons from pop fiction luminaries like David Morrell, Tess Garritsen and Jason Jack Miller. Yeah, that's right, I make a contribution or two.

FROM HEIDI RUBY MILLER AND MIKE ARNZEN:

Book Deal: Many Genres, One Craft: Lessons in Writing Popular Fiction
Book Deals

I am happy to finally announce that Many Genres, One Craft: Lessons in Writing Popular Fiction has been picked up by Headline Books, Inc.. This is the writing guide that Mike Arnzen and I are co-editing.


Michael Arnzen and Heidi Ruby Miller signing the contract for Many Genres, One Craft
Photo by Jason Jack Miller

Lots of news to come, including a list of contributors, a new website, and a tour schedule.

This has been two years in the making, so I am very excited about the project coming to fruition in such a great way.

Arnzen is Chumming for Snark!!!

Michael A Arnzen interviewed by The Snarky Avenger. He talks about Audiovile, 100 Jolts e Books and playgrounds...of pain. Check out the podcast here: http://thesnarkyavenger.com

And many thanks for the shout-out! Somehow I'm going to turn that into a blurb.